Turnmoil

What am I? Why do I exist? This is where my path is lost. Its almost like I'm going down a path that just keeps circling around, and I can't quite grasp what the answer is. This is a continuation from my theory of God, which is also still undecided except that I am convinced that there is a higher power, either good or bad.

What is it that drives me to do the things I do? One major part of my lifestyle is exercise, and over the last 6 months has become my most important priority. And yes even more than Grad school. I'll admit I have an exercise problem, I don't really have a reason for doing it besides not becoming a fatty again. I wasn't even that fat to begin with, but I'm very critical of myself and that's another line of thought all together. So, while I was running I started pondering on why it is I do the things I do.

There are two major idea's that sum up why life exists. There is the traditional story of religion, which I do not understand very well. What I can gather from it is that, we live my a certain set of rules ( not always a concreted set of rules, but driven by some inate force). This is irregardless of any religion because I see them all leading to the same idea. Religion basically tells me how I should live my live devoted to the word of their diety and by doing so, I will achieve eternal life. This eternal life happens in a world that we cannot touch, feel, see, smell, or taste. It is supposed to contain all the good that we can imagine. No sweat.

The other idea comes back to a world without a good God or the nonexistance of even having one. This means I'm driven by society and sex. Looking at other animals that we have theoretically evolved from (in this stand point) there are three fundamental parts of their life. They are: eat to live, reproduce to keep life flowing, and sleep to avoid dying.

By abstracting this (geeze I sound like a comp sci) as humans we have the choice to sleep, food is readily available, and to reproduce. Sleeping isn't really necessary to avoid dying because we have circumvented this by developing morales. The bulk of our morales are a derivative of religion and expectations of society. They almost guarantee that we will survive because killing each other is considered bad or evil. That only leaves one part to worry about, and that is reproduction.

Reproduction requires a male and female and a driven attraction to doing this. By way of evolution there is a certain sensation that each gender experiences when this happens. This sensation encourages it to happen again and again because it doesn't really cause pain :P. If I generalize again to animals, the more times sex happens the more likely babies occur. The population grows in effect. Anyway, this is the challenging part for the society. As we are raised we live to please our parents and to not get in trouble, but eventually we transition from that to trying to impress the opposite sex and achieving our own personal goals.

So what I want to achieve is in effect driven by the idea that there are certain expectations of society and that there is a God that I need to do the "right things". Am I doing what was destined for me to do by the higher power or simply an exercise of biology.

I still haven't affirmed that religion is truth or that the God's that they correspond to are even good, but they do ensure that I'm just not a piece of rotting meat destined to fertilize the ground. Death is somewhat of a mystery and is the reason why I start to wonder about these things. Am I destined to an eternal life that has temporarily been put on hold to experience this one or am I going to be eaten by bugs?

Restlessness

Recently I've been down and lost with the aim of my life. For some reason a side effect is a difference in how how I treat my body physically. The more unrest my mind becomes the more I try to fix flaws that I see with myself.

With this struggle it starts to spiral to an endless circle of arguments of why I exist. For one I know there is some greater power. The convincing argument for me is the watch in the sand argument. In this argument a man is walking down the beach and finds a watch in the sand. There are two possibilities of its existence, either by random acts of nature that mold the watch or intelligent design. The rest of the essay continues to prove that is has to be made by intelligent design because the workings of a watch are too intricate to be a random act of nature.

This I am convinced, but what is this higher power. Is he an omnicient, ominigood, all knowing essence or just a dickhead that thought it would be funny to make this ant farm we call life. There are times when I am able to see both sides of the argument. Take for instance in something that can be contained on earth. A wolf is born with a bad leg, since it can't run chances are it will either be left behind and eaten by a predator or die off because its not able to find food. Its death is just a random course of nature that we as humans could not have done to save it ... or could we? If someone stumbled on this poor thing, they could have taken it to a veterinarian pumped it full of drugs if it was dying and let a family or zoo adopt it to take care. Its life was saved and it got to finish off the course of its life whether abused, loved, tortured, etc.

Now if God is omnicient, omnigood, all knowing then he could very well just give the dog a good leg to begin with, or intervene in its death. Now, if I take this and apply it to cancer or a premature baby that dies. We can also say that this soul ( which i consider the essence of life ) was chosen to be returned fully into God's world. But what is the justification of this. My human perception of this is a sad one. Why would anyone even think to take the life away from someone who hasn't experienced it. It could be for a higher purpose that I cannot comprehend, but dang from my point of view it is a horrible way to go. Would it want to experience this unrest though? Maybe I am the one in misery of this unknowing.


To be continued