Turnmoil

What am I? Why do I exist? This is where my path is lost. Its almost like I'm going down a path that just keeps circling around, and I can't quite grasp what the answer is. This is a continuation from my theory of God, which is also still undecided except that I am convinced that there is a higher power, either good or bad.

What is it that drives me to do the things I do? One major part of my lifestyle is exercise, and over the last 6 months has become my most important priority. And yes even more than Grad school. I'll admit I have an exercise problem, I don't really have a reason for doing it besides not becoming a fatty again. I wasn't even that fat to begin with, but I'm very critical of myself and that's another line of thought all together. So, while I was running I started pondering on why it is I do the things I do.

There are two major idea's that sum up why life exists. There is the traditional story of religion, which I do not understand very well. What I can gather from it is that, we live my a certain set of rules ( not always a concreted set of rules, but driven by some inate force). This is irregardless of any religion because I see them all leading to the same idea. Religion basically tells me how I should live my live devoted to the word of their diety and by doing so, I will achieve eternal life. This eternal life happens in a world that we cannot touch, feel, see, smell, or taste. It is supposed to contain all the good that we can imagine. No sweat.

The other idea comes back to a world without a good God or the nonexistance of even having one. This means I'm driven by society and sex. Looking at other animals that we have theoretically evolved from (in this stand point) there are three fundamental parts of their life. They are: eat to live, reproduce to keep life flowing, and sleep to avoid dying.

By abstracting this (geeze I sound like a comp sci) as humans we have the choice to sleep, food is readily available, and to reproduce. Sleeping isn't really necessary to avoid dying because we have circumvented this by developing morales. The bulk of our morales are a derivative of religion and expectations of society. They almost guarantee that we will survive because killing each other is considered bad or evil. That only leaves one part to worry about, and that is reproduction.

Reproduction requires a male and female and a driven attraction to doing this. By way of evolution there is a certain sensation that each gender experiences when this happens. This sensation encourages it to happen again and again because it doesn't really cause pain :P. If I generalize again to animals, the more times sex happens the more likely babies occur. The population grows in effect. Anyway, this is the challenging part for the society. As we are raised we live to please our parents and to not get in trouble, but eventually we transition from that to trying to impress the opposite sex and achieving our own personal goals.

So what I want to achieve is in effect driven by the idea that there are certain expectations of society and that there is a God that I need to do the "right things". Am I doing what was destined for me to do by the higher power or simply an exercise of biology.

I still haven't affirmed that religion is truth or that the God's that they correspond to are even good, but they do ensure that I'm just not a piece of rotting meat destined to fertilize the ground. Death is somewhat of a mystery and is the reason why I start to wonder about these things. Am I destined to an eternal life that has temporarily been put on hold to experience this one or am I going to be eaten by bugs?